@squirrel74wkgn

Me: *takes off my clothes*

Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.

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@daemonic3

Can me and you go out sometime?

“No, your grammar is too poor”

Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?

@ArfMeasures

Wife: what’s wrong?

Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought

@MaraWilson

CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap

@ningiou

Everytime you see 2 characters in Gundam that are enemies talk to eachother while piloting their mobile suit and yelling about their ideals, “i wont let you get away” etc, remember one had to start a call and the other had to accept it just so they could beef over the intercom

@looktothepickle

[One week into body training]

Me: GOD this is taking so long

Trainer: how long were you expecting?

Me: …how long is Eye of the Tiger?

@ibid78

Ever since we lowered our ceilings here at the shipyard, sails have gone through the roof.

@MelvinofYork

I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing

@rockymomax

[first date]

-so how do you feel about octopus?

Her: I like em

-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]

@ArfMeasures

Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him

[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?