[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
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My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
Print is alive and well!!!
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
The internet is undefeated.. 😂