Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
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Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
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