Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
You Might Also Like
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.