@ShellHasDragons

Me, taking applications for the Illuminati: oh, I never said I’d send the forms anywhere

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@DanMentos

“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline

@MarfSalvador

My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’

@OMGSoOverIt

Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.

@ShortSleeveSuit

Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.

@batkaren

Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:

@NicestHippo

[girl points at my scar]
What happened?
Oh that? Old sports injury.
[flashback to me sprinting after an ice cream truck]

@CrockettForReal

Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?

3 year old: I’m thirsty

@primawesome

My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.

@iamspacegirl

[mouse plane]

mouse pilot: hello folks, this is your captain squeaking-

*mouse passengers squeal with delight*