Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
Me, taking applications for the Illuminati: oh, I never said I’d send the forms anywhere
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My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
[girl points at my scar]
Oh that? Old sports injury.
[flashback to me sprinting after an ice cream truck]
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
mouse pilot: hello folks, this is your captain squeaking-
*mouse passengers squeal with delight*