I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
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Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.