me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
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In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
They did not miss in the small print
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
Another interesting #factupdates post!
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?