ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
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Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.