*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
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Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
LOL
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
😂😂😂😂😂😂
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.