*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
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Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
Every house has this drawer
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi