“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
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Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
Put my back out twerking in the library again
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
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Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.