A policeman walks into a bar. The bar is now being charged for assaulting a police officer.
Me: *taps him on shoulder* But what if I don’t like bread? Or fish?
Jesus: *pinches bridge of nose*
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I went to the movies with a girl last night. I paid for the tickets & the snacks, & anything else I can before she reports her card stolen.
If I were a cat I’d probably waste my first 8 lives and then be panicked throughout the 9th.
“Excuse me waiter, can I have a fork?”
“Is Pepsi okay?”
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
Today I watched a meteor shower until it angrily pulled the curtains closed and yelled at me to stop peeping.
I can feel my gut hanging out of my t-shirt but it’s hidden by my hoodie so basically my secret identity is Winnie the Pooh.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face