@brynnester

Me: *taps him on shoulder* But what if I don’t like bread? Or fish?
Jesus: *pinches bridge of nose*

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@UrbanDouchebag

I wonder if flies ever think, “I bet I could get this guy to slap himself in the face.”

Because they’d be right.

@emireecraire

Public transportation not only helps the environment, it also makes you hate the human race

@WheelTod

The most judgmental aquatic mammal is probably the seal of disapproval.

@DamienFahey

I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”

@TheGoatTaco

My girl stayed true and my dog didn’t die, I’m sober

~no country song ever.

@NickMotown

Whenever I see anyone tweeting about donuts, I think “ugh”. Not because I’m disgusted by deep-fried sugary treats, but because those are the letters I want to insert into the spelling.

@roxiqt

If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.

@theresa_lauren

“Yes, I’m still single and underemployed, but at least I’m not MARRYING CHARLES MANSON” –women at family holiday gatherings from now on

@rickolantern

[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]