@brynnester

Me: *taps him on shoulder* But what if I don’t like bread? Or fish?
Jesus: *pinches bridge of nose*

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@Juven_Naidoo

A policeman walks into a bar. The bar is now being charged for assaulting a police officer.

@david8hughes

I went to the movies with a girl last night. I paid for the tickets & the snacks, & anything else I can before she reports her card stolen.

@LittleMissAngr1

If I were a cat I’d probably waste my first 8 lives and then be panicked throughout the 9th.

@BubblesnBooze

Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.

@thatdutchperson

If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed

@karencheee

Today I watched a meteor shower until it angrily pulled the curtains closed and yelled at me to stop peeping.

@TamiDaBushPilot

I can feel my gut hanging out of my t-shirt but it’s hidden by my hoodie so basically my secret identity is Winnie the Pooh.

@dubiousgenius

If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.

@IamEnidColeslaw

I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face