Me: *taps him on shoulder* But what if I don’t like bread? Or fish?
Jesus: *pinches bridge of nose*

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Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.


*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*

Customers behind me: huffing and puffing

Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss


I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.


Boss: We’re all human. We all make mistakes.
Me: [holds up a sign from the back of the conference room that says #NotAllHumans]


Parent: my child’s reading at a 3rd grade level, what reading level is your son at?

Me: he knows some curse words but not all of them yet


{discussing wedding dresses}
CW1: I had mine preserved.
CW2: I donated mine to a charity. You?
Me: I used mine as kindling for a bonfire.


Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?

Me: Jake, at State Farm.


it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman


Me: My body is a temple

Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?

Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus


*walks into son’s room to find a recording of him snoring*
Dear God
*dials 911*
Help, a wizard turned my son into a 90’s cassette player