Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
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Spell check is for lasers.
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT