Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.

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Don’t even talk to me unless you’re an actual cup of coffee. In which case I’d listen to your story as I slowly sip the life from you.


Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.


At the disco last night.

They played twist. I did the twist.

They played jump. I jumped.

They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.


Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).


If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.


I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.


[firing torpedo from submarine]

torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else


*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”


After my tweet conversation with you, I delete everything I wrote so you look like a crazy stalker.


“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”