Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
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My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod