ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
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Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
Lmao
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes