Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
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When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*