No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
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Yelp* now has jail reviews. (true)
Felon87: Try for Block C. Great ambient lighting, management is courteous & the risotto is ‘to die for’.
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
Some people are shocked when they find out I have a degree from Harvard. It’s not my degree, found it at a yard sale. But still, I have it.
Surgeon: during the operation we will use a powerful laser to remove the tumor
Me: PEW PEW PEW!
Surgeon: Ma’am this is a very serious procedure
Me: [somberly] pew
mentally somewhere in italy
I hate it when I get my days mixed up and I accidentally take my stupid wife out instead of my girlfriend.
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
At 14 I asked my dad about a tattoo. He said ok as long as I got it someplace that doesn’t matter. So I got it in Detroit.