Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
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It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
one last job
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
Selfie
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
you know what ruined my childhood? children
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
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Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope