He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
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My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.