ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
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Meanwhile in Canada…
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.