Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano

Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.

Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.

What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.

me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life

I had 2 critical meetings on Tuesday. I was SO worried & nervous about them but it went okay. I was composed. I was fierce. I was prepared. And I was wearing my shirt backward the entire time. (I only realized after I got home.)

I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter

the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed

I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.

HER: i love bad boys

ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed

I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware

When I face a minor setback

watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.

[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.

Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.

I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this

It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.

It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.

That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless

If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.

The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.

The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.

Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.

Me when I’m ovulating

My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit

Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.

i have an area in my backyard i call “the big stew” it’s a pit i dug where i dump old batteries, gas, household chemicals, and dr pepper. i stir it once a month

I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.

I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.

When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.

Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold

Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*