me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
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My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.