me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
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shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
This January has 47 Mondays
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth