me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
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Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
just leave it at the foot of the bed
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people