me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
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[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
Hot hot hot 🥵
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.