me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
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The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
how to exercise your calf muscles
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
I feel it
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
🙅🏻
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately