Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
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My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.