Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
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I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
this may be controversial to some of you, but ratatouille would demolish stuart little in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
People who only tweet inspirational stuff are the same people who reminded their school teacher about homework assignments.
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
I hate Instagram
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.