[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
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My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
Seas the day!!!!
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.