me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
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My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine