me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
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Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
be careful
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
Spring of Deception
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
Shortcut
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?