@TheHyyyype

ME: *tells joke*

WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school

[later]

ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th

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@9GAG

when nothing goes right… go left

@UncleDuke1969

[tattoo parlor]

“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”

“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“

“Wisks!”

“Right. That’s why I-”

“I’m weally disappointed.”

@007Pepe_Rex

When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.

@AIanHangover

Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.

@Biraahwa

Friend: Do you have a bird problem?
Me: No.
Friend: Why is there a scare crow in your compound.
Me: Oh that? That’s for people.

@Home_Halfway

{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving

@bencoffeehall

I joined a Cold War reenactment group. We just sit around and act nervous about the USSR.

@sonictyrant

me: [punching in at work]

boss: you know Chad is eventually going to press charges