ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
You Might Also Like
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point