me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
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How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆