@PhilJamesson

me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work

cashier: you give me $7.48

me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?

cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day

me (smirking): everybody wins

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@MidlifeDish

“This is the last time I’m going to tell you!”
*Biggest lie parents tell kids

“And I mean it.”
*Biggest lie parents tell themselves

@dafloydsta

FRIEND: Women like when you’re honest with them.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So tell me about yourself.
ME: *leans in close* I didn’t bring any money.

@JessObsess

[Starbucks]
What can I get you?

I’ll have a large coffee, black

“You don’t have to say black”

I’ll have a large coffee, African American

@Pro_Jones_

Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great

Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you

Me: *through tears* Decomposer.

@ThisOneSayz

If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??

@juliussharpe

It was the Middle Ages. There’s no way Rapunzel didn’t have lice.

@StevieKnip

Son: I’m gay, dad.

Dad: no I’m gay dad

Dad #2: no I’m gay dad

@david_tull

Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.