“This is the last time I’m going to tell you!”
*Biggest lie parents tell kids
“And I mean it.”
*Biggest lie parents tell themselves
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
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FRIEND: Women like when you’re honest with them.
[later on date]
HER: So tell me about yourself.
ME: *leans in close* I didn’t bring any money.
A sincere apology is like coffee.
Don’t talk to me beforehand.
What can I get you?
I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
*steals your snacks, runs away
It was the Middle Ages. There’s no way Rapunzel didn’t have lice.
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.