me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
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Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
blocked.
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*