don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
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Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?