me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
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Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
Oh my God.
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit