Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”

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Don’t do drugs, kids.

The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.


For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5


WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”


USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about


Me: I don’t like anyone enough to live with them.

Friend: You’re married with 4 kids.

Me: I said what I said.


RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair

JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this


[therapy session]

THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park

ME: nuh uh


*pentagram starts to glow*
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*


Boxer Sugar Ray dreamt of killing his opponent and backed out, but a priest convinced him to fight, he ended up killing the opponent.


I wonder if the coach of the opposing team on Air Bud got fired when he explained to the principal how a golden retriever outscored his team