Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
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“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
Mood.. 😂
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it