@ch000ch

ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do

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@OllyiConic

genie: you have three wishes

me: make firemen ugly

genie: you got it

me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well

genie: ok

me: take the big ladder off their truck

genie: dude what’s your problem

@bombsydoll

Aliens scoop me up & put me in a big glass jar w holes poked in the lid. They scatter Pringles inside to simulate my natural environment.

@chuuew

ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means

@markedly

[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier

@fro_vo

WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not

@TheBoydP

Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?

@SatansTongue

He told me he wants my heart
“Sharon I’m pretty sure he’s a serial killer”
No way!
*later on with guy*
Wow you’re really into bondage huh?

@ErinEph

You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.

@iAmDelFreaky

Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*

Him: What’s funny?

Me: Nothing.

Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*

Me: Ha! Photo bombed!