genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
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Aliens scoop me up & put me in a big glass jar w holes poked in the lid. They scatter Pringles inside to simulate my natural environment.
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
He told me he wants my heart
“Sharon I’m pretty sure he’s a serial killer”
*later on with guy*
Wow you’re really into bondage huh?
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!