ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do

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I accidentally kicked my cat off of the bed while adjusting my blankets. Now he’s in the corner sadly humming a Sarah McLachlan song.


[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]

ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day


*double-checks the constitution to see if we really have to have a president*


I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁


friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids

me: they have sex 3 times


BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.


Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?

Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?

Him: Not funny.


Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.


Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.

*Swivels around in swivel chair*

*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*

Evil villian: WEEEEE!