ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
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I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
🤣🤣🤣
Erm…
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”