@hpb777

Me: *texts* How’d you sleep?

Him: *texts* Horrible…I was tossing and turn-

Me: *crawls out from under his bed* I KNOW, YOU POOR THING.

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@softly_sighing2

Him: You got Tik Tok?

Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?

Him: …

Me: *rattles can in front of him*

@No_Job_Joe

My boss just fired me because I spent the past 45 minutes taking a crap. I don’t see why he can’t just clean it off his desk, and move on.

@ImaFlyontheWall

pay no attention to the pizza being delivered to the bush outside your bedroom window..

@TheAndrewNadeau

RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?

ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*

@TheHatStore

robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*

@GroovyTasia

BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.

Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?

BFF: I hate you.

@nghtfltguy

Women do not want to hear what you think..nnThey want to hear what they think..nnIn a deeper voice……

@BoomBoomBetty

[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]

stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you

@ChrisScarlette

[pizza delivery]

Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*

uh HELL YEAH!

*pulls out phone*

see that RT button?