Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
You Might Also Like
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
Leonardo DiCaprisun
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…