WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
Me: *texts* How’d you sleep?
Him: *texts* Horrible…I was tossing and turn-
Me: *crawls out from under his bed* I KNOW, YOU POOR THING.
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TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
sometimes i can’t believe Robert Pattinson is real
You know those disgusting people who lick their fingers instead of using a napkin in public? Hi.
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes