Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
Me: *texts* How’d you sleep?
Him: *texts* Horrible…I was tossing and turn-
Me: *crawls out from under his bed* I KNOW, YOU POOR THING.
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My boss just fired me because I spent the past 45 minutes taking a crap. I don’t see why he can’t just clean it off his desk, and move on.
pay no attention to the pizza being delivered to the bush outside your bedroom window..
how much does a mortician urn in a year
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
Women do not want to hear what you think..nnThey want to hear what they think..nnIn a deeper voice……
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?