@ddsmidt

Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.

Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”

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@noogscorner

Noah: A boat?

God: Yes.

Noah: Two of every animal?

God: Yes.

Noah: I have a better idea.

God: What.

Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.

@FormerGrunt

Stupidity is dangerous, and thanks to social media we have managed to weaponize it.

@LambyMcSheeps

Sometimes you need a little distance to see things clearly, but other times it is obviously a bear and you should probably just run

@ilovecuredmeats

•a lion stalks a fawn•

•a man steps out from behind tree•

I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?

@Probgoblin

Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.

@sixfootcandy

My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

usher: bride or groom

me: just a guest

usher: no which are you here for

me: neither I’m married

@KentWGraham

I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.

@Marcmywords2

No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.

@casablankstare

Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw