“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
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It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
My crush said he made his phone keys sticky thinking of me so I dumped him. I’m disgusted.
What kind of loser still has keys on his phone?
[i arrive in hell]
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
[i arrive in super hell]
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
The adult version of
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.