Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
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In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
he looks great for his age
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
🤣✨#caturday
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”