Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@bobvulfov

BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star

@pleatedjeans

Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE

@Sassafrantz

Remember when I told you to be yourself? I think we should revisit that.

@pixelatedboat

Godspeed, John Glenn

@GashleyMadison

Doctor: I’ve got some good news and some bad news.

Bears: We’ll take the bad news.

@Marcmywords2

If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.

@pizzasauceboss

*wakes up early*

*goes for morning jog*

*calls wife to pick him up because he’s made a terrible mistake*

@captainkalvis

friend: is this tv high definition

me: let’s check. TV, what’s alfredo sauce?

TV: *rips bong* pasta frosting

@JermHimselfish

I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies

@Darlainky

*finds another dead plant on patio*

[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!