No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
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If someone writes you a long email that ends with “Thoughts?” just reply “Nope.”
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
Of course I’m a leader, if you count leading astray.
According to the police report, waking up in your lover’s arms is only romantic when they know how you got in their house.
A horror movie, but the monster chasing me is my coworker that wants to tell me about her date last night.
*twists ankle by the copier
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
“Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.”
The priest replied, “I know. I saw your tweet!”
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.