Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@Alvildalikely

No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.

@birbigs

If someone writes you a long email that ends with “Thoughts?” just reply “Nope.”

@sskylark

mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes

@AbleLikes

Of course I’m a leader, if you count leading astray.

@Parentpains

According to the police report, waking up in your lover’s arms is only romantic when they know how you got in their house.

@doktorj

A horror movie, but the monster chasing me is my coworker that wants to tell me about her date last night.

*twists ankle by the copier

@DamonHunzeker

I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.

@iGreenMonk

“Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.”

The priest replied, “I know. I saw your tweet!”

@doktorj

Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.

@JustMeTurtle

I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.