BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
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Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
Remember when I told you to be yourself? I think we should revisit that.
Godspeed, John Glenn
Doctor: I’ve got some good news and some bad news.
Bears: We’ll take the bad news.
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
*wakes up early*
*goes for morning jog*
*calls wife to pick him up because he’s made a terrible mistake*
friend: is this tv high definition
me: let’s check. TV, what’s alfredo sauce?
TV: *rips bong* pasta frosting
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!