Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
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My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.