Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
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Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
Okey dokey.
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
Shortcut
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.