me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
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Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
Not messing around
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.