Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
You Might Also Like
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?