me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!

coworker: no problem!

[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r

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Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads


I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.


My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.


Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.


“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.


some clown on twitter: friendly reminder that you don’t OWE your friends friendship. OR loyalty. or ANYTHING indicating that you deserve their trust

that same clown one week later: you ever feel like…. you’re not anybody’s favorite person….. and nobody ever checks on you


God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”


DETECTIVE: There are signs of a struggle here
[earlier that morning]
ME: *trying to get up for work*


Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.


“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”

– me whenever my wife sings while driving.