@parsfarce

me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!

coworker: no problem!

[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r

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@Shen_the_Bird

me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral

god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit

@ShortSleeveSuit

[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]

CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?

ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio

@FattMernandez

I couldn’t be trusted with a time machine. I’d get killed going back and testing whether or not Velociraptors really could open doors.

@daemonic3

[airline check-in]

SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light

PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that

@thatUPSdude

You do understand “Tan” and “Orange” are 2 very different colors right?

@thatUPSdude

50 Cent has filed for bankruptcy, he will now be known as 50. Story is he doesn’t have a cent to his name.

*drops the mic walks away*

@WittySassBasket

If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.

@NotJPo

“Baby, I’m gonna make you mine.”

– sweet talker forcing someone to be a coal miner