I prefer undivided attention because I’m not a fan of math.
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
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me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
I couldn’t be trusted with a time machine. I’d get killed going back and testing whether or not Velociraptors really could open doors.
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
You do understand “Tan” and “Orange” are 2 very different colors right?
50 Cent has filed for bankruptcy, he will now be known as 50. Story is he doesn’t have a cent to his name.
*drops the mic walks away*
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
“Baby, I’m gonna make you mine.”
– sweet talker forcing someone to be a coal miner