@parsfarce

me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!

coworker: no problem!

[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r

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@meganamram

Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads

@AtticusFinch79

I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.

@AudreyPorne

My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.

@WilliamAder

Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.

@_Tempo11

“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.

@charmshot

some clown on twitter: friendly reminder that you don’t OWE your friends friendship. OR loyalty. or ANYTHING indicating that you deserve their trust

that same clown one week later: you ever feel like…. you’re not anybody’s favorite person….. and nobody ever checks on you

@Elizasoul80

God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”

@NicestHippo

DETECTIVE: There are signs of a struggle here
[earlier that morning]
ME: *trying to get up for work*

@Kryzazy

Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.

@muffathukka

“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”

– me whenever my wife sings while driving.