me: thanks for the new bath toy

her: you’re welcome

me: oh and it makes toast too?

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EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}


Bully: gimme ur sandwich

Me [pulls knife]

Bully: hey man I don’t want any-

Me: -crusts. i know


The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.

I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.


High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am

My college professor:


Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?


Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.


“Let’s circle back”

– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring

“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”

– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about


I can only handle so much of a screaming kid on a long car ride before I pull over, take them off the roof, and let them back in.


writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill

editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on

writer: well, they go up a hill

editor: i’m already bored

writer: to fetch a pail of water

editor: kill me

writer: no trust me it gets better


*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm