me: thanks for the new bath toy

her: you’re welcome

me: oh and it makes toast too?

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Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.


Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,


*hears your text message notification beep*

*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*


How do you know your man is cheating?

When he drives by her place the wifi connects


[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
[murder roles reverse]


If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx


[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]



“Maybe connect two monocles together? Pretty good idea. I have to write this down.” – the guy that invented the pen


every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong


The scary moment when the person you just watched sneeze in their hand wants to shake your hand