Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
You Might Also Like
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.