Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
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The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
peak technology
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
The glockness monster
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!