MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Roommate: Yeah, normal people call that cinnamon.
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This one goes out to all the girls of Generation X who pretended to like Slipknot for some dude who broke up with them anyway.
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
If you beep your horn .004 seconds after the light changes green, I will shut off the car, lay on the hood and feed the birds for an hour.
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
Next time my cat has some friends over, I’m going to puke right next to where they are sitting and see how she likes it.
Girls dont dress up to impress guys. We dress up to impress other girls. If we wanted to impress guys we would just run around naked all day