@Defiant_Doll

Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.

Roommate: Yeah, normal people call that cinnamon.

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@dafloydsta

GOOD COP: Tell us what you know

BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat

DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT

@ShitJokes

I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.

“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”

@celestinelea90

90% of the steps on my FiBit are just me wandering around looking for my keys

@TweetPotato314

Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.

Wife: Of course not, where is he?

Me: I just told you.

@timdonakowski

Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.

@OctopusCaveman

Some people have this weird super power where they smell like their shampoo for hours after showering.

@Elizasoul80

When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.

@JessObsess

I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.

@rachelle_mandik

-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?

-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.

@theshantilly

*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet