GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Roommate: Yeah, normal people call that cinnamon.
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I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
90% of the steps on my FiBit are just me wandering around looking for my keys
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Some people have this weird super power where they smell like their shampoo for hours after showering.
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet