@Defiant_Doll

Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.

Roommate: Yeah, normal people call that cinnamon.

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@FeelingEuphoric

MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this

FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*

@MomOnFire

This one goes out to all the girls of Generation X who pretended to like Slipknot for some dude who broke up with them anyway.

@MrsTomServo

Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.

@ToneLoaf

If you beep your horn .004 seconds after the light changes green, I will shut off the car, lay on the hood and feed the birds for an hour.

@ShortSleeveSuit

[eyeing a beautiful woman]

ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants

HER: they look terrible on you

@3BlindMike

How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?

@1Happytwit

Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.

@SadieSmithRoks

Next time my cat has some friends over, I’m going to puke right next to where they are sitting and see how she likes it.

@MsSweetTeaz

Girls dont dress up to impress guys. We dress up to impress other girls. If we wanted to impress guys we would just run around naked all day